Zombie Invasion Survival Theory

In the future it has been predicted that the world would come to an end either by nuclear devastation, overwhelming anarchy, alien domination, infectious deadly disease, global warming, somalian rogue armies, the mayan's December 12 2012 date "the unknown annihilation", stampeding animals, Kim Jon IL, machines who've already infiltrated the government, Bill Gate, monsters from under the sea, dinosaur's returns, God's revenge for mankind killing Jesus Christ, another power hungry dictator, and of coarse mind-controlling television. But none of them comes close to being as logical and scientifically, politically, and plain just makes sense possible, the army of the dead walking again on the face of the earth to eat the flesh of mankind.

Why is this so reasonable? well i'll tell you why; nuclear devastion would be a bad idea for any country trying to bomb the United States. That country would either get bombed back or waste time killing innocent people because ...they obviously will be turned into the army of the dead anyways. As conviencing as anarchy sounds, the machine's still have mankind under control through subliminal messages and brain washing television, so there won't be any anarchy anytime soon. Stampeding animals won't happen either because the machine's have already invented radio signals so high pitched only animals may make it out, and the signals says "oooO...oooO...they were kung-fu fighting, hi yah! those cats were fast as lightening... ". Bill Gates obviously will attempt to buy the world, but rest assure that goal will be delayed because folks; Bill Gates is the future gaurdian of the human race; for he will contribute his money towards the fight against Zombies! Infectious diseases are a warning signs from scientists whom are at war, some scientist who strongly oppose the consumption of meat products, they are vegetarians who've secretly developed a disease in which have already contminated the world's strongly disired meat industries. Obvious evidence are Mad cow diseases, bird flu, swine flu, magnesiumized walleye, radioactive leopardtoads and etc. In retaliation the meat scientists have devised a formula that makes the vegetable spinach contain the unwanted matter of e. colei. In layman's term they basically shitted on spinach plants. No one really knows what Kim Jon Il's plans are, but our government secret operatives have got word that he is watering his plants right now hmmm...... very suspicious indeed. God should smite us for killing Jesus but technically we didn't kill him, you see, 5 days later Jesus rose from the dead again, and so someone who isn't dead typically means no murder was done, even the supreme court who agree of coarse we should be charged with attempted murder, or assualt, battery, well you know what I mean.

Remember when I stated that Jesus rose from the dead 5 days later? well there is a very powerful secret to it that will blow your mind away, even the bible will back me up. The Di Vinchi code tried to exploit some powerful things, but none of its truths are as juicy as this. Ready?...
...wait for it...(ahem, ahem, ahem) Jesus is a Zombie! believe it or not there is no other logical reasoning for the reanimation of the dead unless turned zombie. You see Jesus was lethally whipped and tormented in a dungeon, despised and degraded as a human, beaten and pushed to the executioning spot, stripped naked and thrown on a cross,had his limbs nailed, given a crown of thorn for humiliation dangled him in a uncomfortable position, legs were hammered broken to seal off any pursuit of escaping crucification, and last but not least had a spear pierce through his spleen to insure he really died. How can anyone live after that? Only the reasoning of Zombism can explain the rest, they eventually took him down and put him in a cave, in trying to mourn jesus, a man gave him the T-virus, and cleaned up his body. After five days later they opened his tomb to mourn him until he awesomely ran out of his cave and sprinted for the wood, that was the last they ever saw of him. The bible was then re-edited to give people the other side of the story so they would believe Jesus actually said a couple more words to inspire peace and love, but what he really wanted to say: "you guys are all damned, to hell with this shit, I'm outta here, later".

Now that we have the Theory of Zombies crystal clear, we should move on to discussing what zombies are and how to prevent, slay, and survive the zombie invasions. With all those who agree with this theory you just "upped" your chances of survival to 10%. Please forward on to "what are zombies?"